Does one have to like themselves enough in order to realize what they are themselves? To themselves? I am what I am but I don’t have enough confidence in me to go around and just pick up girls. I have to have very high self-esteem and confidence to do this. I feel like I don’t give myself enough credits for how good I look or how smart I really am that others view me as. I attract girls rarely. When I pursue girls knowing that I want them it somehow turns out how I plan it to. That’s when I am certain that I want them and know what I am getting into. I don’t keep tabs or track of things I say or do with them or kinda with everyone. It seems like every night I go to sleep and wake up I lose a lot of my memories or things that don’t really pertain to the bigger picture I have constructed in my head that I really want to achieve.
This bigger picture contains complex ideas and takes a lot of bandwidth to focus on. Smaller things that are floating around sometimes get forgotten and it’s painful when someone expects me to be consistent when I can’t keep things together. I expect girls and people to understand what I am going through. I think that they can see from my perspective and understand from my point of view. This isn’t always the case if at all. I know I am never fully present with girls and I lack the ability to just “vibe” so to say is that I am stuck outside of my body in a bigger picture type of realm. It seems like I can’t ground myself into the person I need to be to be a social butterfly like I use to.
Interacting in the world doesn’t seem to appeal to me knowing that I have a vast world inside of my head that I can explore on my own and achieve things that are far more satisfying than climbing a social ladder. In time I know I can be someone that id work towards. That person would be a very strong alpha male that is caring and could take care of people’s issues, teach and train others and just be a genuine genius loving family man that is not to be messed with. Power is not just created with fear and ruling although it is a small part. Power has to do with knowledge and being untouchable to the point where you can do things others can’t and fail to do. These things have to be learned and engraved into your head. Comprehension and the drive to become powerful and seeing things through to the end is a key aspect of life.
Emotional intelligence is also a big factor, few people know what they are feeling and why they are feeling what they are feeling. People have a very hard time coping with uneasy emotions and I am very aware and familiar with how bad one can feel, which I have been down to the bottom of the Marianas trench with my emotions yet had managed to swim back luckily snapping out of the schizophrenic behavior before it was too late. I have dealt with alcoholism trying to escape the painful situations which it did help but I wish I had better knowledge and examples of how to cope and deal with these emotions passed down to me instead of drinking. We deal with the cards we are dealt and if we are good enough we can add and subtract from the deck as needed. I find myself being that I bring myself into a place that is just complacent with just being alive. Just living a life that really isn’t mine being that I have to navigate and be a different person in order to become powerful enough to do the things I want to do in life.
I come from a lower-middle-class family where Id have to work for everything id ever owns and I still do and will continue to do this. This is no life to live in my point of view which working is a waste of time when I can be living and making the best of my life and the people around me lives. I don’t like myself due to this reason for being controlled by something that takes a vast amount of time to overcome. This war I am waging will not have to be dealt with by my children and with the right planning for generations. This is where I can be reincarnated with highly intelligent thoughts that carry me through the maze successfully. Although the fruits are not to be sown for it takes time for the fruits to be grown. The proper care that is necessary to achieve the fruits I am seeking is very intricate. And few can achieve and comprehend, or care to grasp.
This level of not liking myself can be a burden sometimes. I look at other people and was blinded for a while thinking that everyone was created equally. For this, I have been hurt many times entrusting people that didn’t deserve any sort of trust. This led me to believe that I can be stuck in a world all alone and I still feel like this. Trying to get myself out there to look passed things is a feat in itself due to the awkward anxious and lack of time tendencies I have. In the end, hopefully, I grow to levels of success that I manifest to recess.