Why is it so hard to find love? what makes love so amazing yet so terrorizing? how can we find the perfect balance of love, time, and experience? If you are like me you will have the same issue’s that I do try to figure out the best balance for yourself, your kids, your family, work, health, knowledge, hobbies, and everything else you can fit into 24 hours oh and don’t to sleep.
A healthy relationship can make everything better. it can turn ur terrible life into a great life within a month of meeting the right person for you. how do you know if this person is right for you? I am different I feel like perhaps you may feel the same but whatever, I like to write and perhaps you can use my perspective it doesn’t matter I just need to get something out.
When I shoot my shot and make some waves with a girl that I like, I want an exclusive relationship. Exclusive meaning that I just want me and her together with all strings attached. Nobody else in the picture or presumed to be a threat to our relationship. meaning no other ex’s, no hoes, no sneaky snakes slithering in the grass. No other person who has any kind of emotional support. I give my all to the one that I perceive to be my future wife. I think outside the box all the time. This is a burden for me.
I am all for trusting everyone. I am all for getting let down on this trust multiple times for everyone is human and deserves chances. I am all for giving my all at my own expense for someone to trust me and then some. When do you call it quits? how many times do you have to be let down in order to give up on the relationship?
Iv been let down in multiple areas in my last relationship. I had ignored a bunch of things that had hurt me early on in the relationship. In the beginning, it was relieving to find a girl of the opposite sex who had a similar mind as me. But something was off. I couldn’t figure it out. Sometimes we would wake up after drinking too much and I would be out of my mind so to say from the hangover. As I am recovering we would be hanging out. She would begin to tell me terrible things and start messing with my soft and malleable emotions being that I am somewhat made of clay for I am in construction building structures out of steel but this takes time and process.
About 3 months into our relationship she would start telling me shit like, If we break up I suggest you rebound by fucking a lot of hoes, or doing a lot of drugs, and such. I would explore her mind and go further as she cut into me saying she had someone should could call if she needed them to comfort her. In downtimes. I would feed into her madness by adding fuel to the fire but it didn’t ignite, more as slipped under the radar. I would say, “well, of course, you can go into any bar, lay on the pool table and have the whole place run a train u, and all the guys in there would be more than happy to sneeze inside you, easy peezy.”
I was shocked every time she would come out of her neck like this. It was saddening to the max to find someone so like-minded as myself yet be corrupt internally somewhere. damaged goods none the less cut deep into me. We would explore the mental and physical with nothing holding back.
I would, of course, go into my little confusion states and need reassurance about things and she would of course fed into my innocence. I would not know if she was being genuine or not, Iv never had a fully conscious, awareness of someone that I loved being absolutely genuine to me in any sort. If someone was, I must have been completely blind and overlooked it at my peril. In the end, I know now she must not have been because when things got tough she fled the scene in her own doubts and her own self righteous life she had created for herself. Now I think, when I mean genuine, the definition isn’t biased. I needed her to be genuine in my light I had shined on her. She had recognized this and took it and ran with it. But in reality, she had stayed genuine to her own self, and her own light. So to say, she was plotting, her intentions were bad. I did not just think this of the top and off rip. The mind and thoughts play a huge part into what we have in front of us. I had figured out her bad intentions in the end.
I would keep a positive outlook on our relationship and look further at the castle I had built once the smoke had cleared, and the rain clouds had dispersed. Like all relationships, there are events that bring you closer or further apart. I had more life-changing events than she did so to say. When I had met her I was in my prime, ready to present myself out in the world to attract somebody. when you are down you don’t want to be out in the world and explore. I guess she wanted the person she had met but after a year Id say everyone changes, especially after life-changing events.
The sex was great, of course. Any chick is a freak if you let them be, They are down for whatever. I had discovered some new things and built my confidence in claiming her soul with my dick. Sometimes a man is controlled by sex. Before her, I was this man in past relationships. You should never be this person. I am not driven by sexual goals. I was at one point. I had gone almost a year not having sex. I was to the point where I stopped masturbating also. When I stopped masturbating, I stopped drinking, stopped smoking cigarettes, and focused on goals. This is where the magic started happening. And out of this magic, The girl had appeared.
The things I’d be looking for in a woman now when I get back in the field is going to be solid things, or perhaps I should just stay a player but this is lame, I don’t want to waste time and energy and go through the hassle of figuring out multiple people. I want to build an empire. Yet I can’t even build an empire of my own.
This all leads to trust. I trusted. I have lost this trust. There’s not much you can trust for we are hardwired with bullshit and lies. Traumas, pain, misery, blissfulness, happiness, all ranges of emotions that we humans go to, which drive us ultimately. An emotional human is a compromised human, and we all go through life with our emotions. My reality had stripped me of my emotions, which I take the blame myself for not protecting myself. I wasn’t equipped with the tools necessary to defend my emotions from being stripped but they had and its a shame. I am a beacon for emotions though, when they hit me they hit hard, and I am scared of the soft ones for they are presumed to be weakness and softness.
This relationship had thought me to stay in the dark, to stay unseen. Don’t let anyone know you are weak for they see blood and will eat. When Someone cuts into you when you are weak, it speaks so loud and it means the relationship is no longer worth a fight. My assurance for someone that Id never do this to anyone who doesn’t deserve it, and no one deserves it even if they have done it to you, only for good reason, rational thoughts can make it right. The tall tell signs were overlooked and I guess the boredom had played out, or a new someone on their end needed more attention but it is what is and I came out alive.
I apologize if its hard to understand my words. If I had written in code this is the only way unpolished unedited way I know how to write. If it makes sense to you let me know.
Thanks for reading!