I wonder what is the goal for life? what makes something in life worth experiencing? what is an experience.. I ask these questions to give a sense of where I am going with this blog post. Does it matter what someone does? does it make a difference in anyone’s life that isn’t dependent on you? What is it? I ask from a third-person view, in another realm or perhaps from the root of my understand or lack of. I am trying to put my emotions into words, something on my chest. I wonder why do I feel like I need to be reassured of my own well being. I wonder what void I am lacking that constantly needs to be filled. I wonder, where these feelings came from and how they got there. What is driving me to do the things that I am doing? On what realm do I make of these things to be such large driving forces compelling me to go certain directions. How come I can’t just be. just be normal without the dead questions with live answers protrude consciousness. deep seeded pain perhaps not being able or well enough to get what I need from life could be the answer.
I wonder why people need drugs to feel better, to escape, to be creative, maybe my head is already rewired from the small number of drugs I have done, in my lifetime which isn’t much I guess. I never was a drug addict or addicted to drugs. I drank a lot. I ruined my life of course but it doesn’t matter now. Today I barely drink anymore, I feel the death lurking over me smoking every cigarette after every bottle of beer. I ignore it as I do many things. Sometimes it just feels good to die slowly which time is killing every one of us anyway. Iv never did acid or heavy hallucinogens. I have done mushrooms but this was visually enhancing, everything was crystal clear greatness, and perception was better than being sober at the time. But I didn’t dive deep into the experience due to my anxiety and lack of security. I need a castle, with all safeguards in place to protect me and myself and the ones closest to me from the nasty disgusting things that lurk inside my mind that I know the world can produce when you are least expecting. We all know about these things and we all ignore them living our best lives which there is nothing wrong with this, and I do it to the best of my ability. But when I am at the mercy of drugs all my insecurities bubble to the surface and want to party. Being sober for a long time now. I do not have many things I need or want.
I lack different chemicals in my head that gave me the benefit to love and feel the love from someone. maybe I had killed this part of my self from just the manipulations, misguided manifestations, pain, misery, lack of understanding, whatever we have been there some more than others and some not at all.
I remember feeling great, in a place where nothing mattered and being able to just live and be, the mind quiet, everything simple, no thoughts just actions, everything so sensitive. I guess I have been conditioned into this, but I ask where are these words coming from? where is my pure intuition? This I can define for myself, Pure intuition to where I feel like I did with no thoughts, just innocence. This felt like nirvana, sublime, satisfied, alive, just living, the purest feeling I can imagine. Now I can say I can imagine this. I can also experience it. I can believe it. But the process is like everything else. Id want to be in a real tranquil environment where everything just flows and everything I have ever wanted in a room designed and outfitted for everything and anything imagined. Like a pharaoh built the pyramids somehow I can build my own sense of pyramid. Healing chambers that resonate healing frequencies, by running water thru channels, geniuses fixed people that were lost on their path.
Thanks for reading. Id catch you on the flip side, peace out.