Trauma seemingly never ends

August Eighth Two Thousand and Twenty After Death

 

The more I try and forget about my past the more it sometimes flashes through my memory and I feel the emotions that I felt from the past I can’t escape. As much as I try, I can’t escape these visions of my past. I feel so helpless like I did in these moments.

 

I’m trying to forget the horrible moment that brings me cold chills at night and hot flashes when I am sleeping, thank the Lord for my girl her words she gives me for I am healed. I prayed for help yesterday and was granted by God the very overlooked gift of sleep.

 

The things that I remember, I try to lock away and hide which these memories bubble back to the surface and I am trigged every time I see an image that could set me off in a panic, overwhelming terror.

 

I will get through this and perhaps putting these things down and talking about it will help me manage my anxiety self-help is the realist.

 

I remember when the mother of my children was pregnant. She was 8 months pregnant at the time. She would waddle around the house and in constant need of her feet rubbed and massaged. Life with a baby on the way meant no time for myself, getting everything ready, and planning for the future of my new family. One night we just had dinner and watched Avatar. After the movie was over we went called it a night and snuggled in the bed. A couple hours later she had woken up in a puddle. I jumped out of bed in the excitement that I was at work when her water had broken, got dressed and she waddled to the truck. We were going to the birthing center on Immokalee road. At the time I was living at Coral Palms in Golden Gate city. She was breathing heavy and I have never been thru anything like this before. It was late night and I was going on my way to i75 on-ramp on golden gate parkway to hightail it to Immokalee road. I get on the highway and what do you know, an unmarked CCSO car had turned its emergency lights on behind me when I pulled over on the highway, peace officer was asking me all sorts of questions.. if I couldn’t ask for a more terrible thing for me remembering when my firstborn child came into this world is to have a peace officer intrude in on my life. They followed me all the way to the birthing center like I was a criminal of some sort the pain is real.

 

I have so many stories, my whole life being in Collier County, city of Naples, Florida. Iv spent most of my life in zip code 34116. Iv attended Golden Gate Elementary School, Golden Gate Middle School, and Golden Gate High School. My parents had been here for over 30 years. I don’t understand why I’m treated like this.

 

Thank you for today god, I am grateful for the breath I have, For the people that love me most, I am grateful for another day, I am grateful for you to give me the strength needed to get through the day.

 

Thanks for reading everyone.

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