Understanding subtle

Starting off, its 11:14pm and I am debating if I should act on these thoughts of getting shit done or stay in bed meditating trying to sleep listening to 24-7 lofi hiphop.. too many options not enough actions of will to over power what I think rest will be good for the mind and body, to prepare for tomorrow. But who knows? If I continue to build the momentum of the day and accomplish more, the satisfaction may be greater and push me further than rest would. So instead Ill just write about it and get out of my head ?

I was just thinking about how I haven’t smoked a cigarette in awhile. It had to be at least four days now. Which is a long time id say. Cigarettes alter the mind drastically. I am very well aware of this and sometimes it causes a lot of discomfort and regretted immediately after the first few puffs. Quitting smoking is very difficult especially when your friends smoke, and you smoke at bars, and you drink and want to smoke, its a terrible cycle. I could tell the difference immediately when I am sober of the chemical reaction inside my mind, not so much in the body. I imagine my brain right now, getting dried up like a raisin, or dried skin like how old people feet look when they crack and blister, with the white dead skin just waiting to be scratched until they bleed. Yeah my brain doesn’t need to resemble that, but I do it anyway, and smoke I continue. And I drink the alcohol.

Oh the alcohol. They say that alcohol dehydrates the brain which the dehydration causes you to feel buzzed. Or dizzy, or tipsy, or what ever you are promoting at the time of consumption. I wake up in the morning and imagine my brain looking like a mess bruised and battered, all messed up wiring, blood perhaps, gunk built up inside just laying around, car crashes inside my brain just messing up the complicated wet mess of neurons like no ones business, not even your own. I feel sorry for my brain, and my self every time I wake up with a fucked up feeling, the feeling of being hung over. I cant think right, talk right, do anything right, its just like I am on auto pilot basically just waiting for the haze to clear up if it gets the chance. With out any interruption. Cigarettes prolong the clearing. And of course more alcohol does the same. Its a shame.

Well today , now I haven’t drank or smoked a cigarette in at least four days now. Iv stayed away from smokers, and Iv stayed away from the alcohol and now we are here today. I can tell the difference in my thought process. I can tell that I am sharper, more aware. My energy is cleaner, more easy to resemble. I know what to say easier. Things are just cleaner. I can build this castle bigger. Place turrets shooting on coming enemies down this is an image of imagination but im sure it could be done.

I can manifest this. I can think about something and it will appear in front of me. I know this, I believe this, I see this now. I am creator, I create a thought in my head. I rationalize actions that need to be done. I execute. I continue. Win or lose. I continue.

I do not get caught up on something for too long. I have to move on, and see where it takes me. I can see this as a weakness or a blessing. Like Eliott Hulse said to Frank Yang, that Frank is a laser beam of focus to where Eliott is the sun. 2 extremes.

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