Shifting gears

Hello, My name is Thomas and I will be sharing with you some views of mine, I got a lot to say, like a lot of people. I really don’t have conversations with real people for sometimes my views and beliefs are a little over whelming. I do have a lot of different views, along with social anxiety, and some other things that can hinder my socialization sometimes. I can’t seem to figure out the right mixture of things to be accepted by people but none the less I am here today making my way. Still I pray and meditate on things that I need to say and lately I have been in a rut from a stretch of good things. I want to be as genuine as I can and I believe you should treat people how you want to be treated, yet sometimes I don’t get this in return. Sometimes I find myself lonely and find myself wanting a real connection and I find its. There is too many factors in my life, I step on land minds, I evolve quickly, and always look for new things. I can’t be stable with things and keep a real routine with life, it seems like time is just passing, and I am doing my best to provide for the things I think have the most priority in my life. I want to be the person that have been through things that can support anyone that will let me, with no strings attached, Which I find myself doing now yet my bigger picture is never drawn correctly for people to see for themselves. It seems like people misinterpret me, come to negative conclusions about me, can’t keep up with my ever evolving problems and personality. It seems like people don’t want to deal with the ideas and beliefs I try and pass onto them, and maybe I am over bearing at times and care too much about broader things that I am giving too much attention to instead of taking care of people the way they need to be taken care of. I am bad at this because I can’t seem to be comfortable with myself, being at the stage that I am at. I want to be at a level where I can have fun and not be worried about anything.. I mean ANYTHING. Sometimes I guess I get off the path of things, people put seeds into my head and I allow them to, they do this for their own amusement, I try to ignore it, and their intention burns holes in my energies. What I really want from life is security, I am trying to get back to the mindset that I had before I had met Rachel, but all I can remember is the fucked up shit she had said to me, from which I had trusted her. The thoughts I had before her were to be worry free. worry free above anything, ready for anything, nothing can get through because there is a draw bridge hung up, a mote protecting the castle, with sharp shooters positioned in the towers ready. I want to build this, and bring everyone with me. I want to show people the skills that are needed in order to achieve this. I want to teach and lead people how to do this. I want to give everything I got in order to do this, and give everything I got to people that I trust in order to help me achieve this. I have strong morals and beliefs, yet hanging around people that are broken like me, remind me of how broken I am, because I can’t give them normal social things that are drilled into their heads. Now, Today, Tonight I sit here at my kitchen table, going out to smoke cigarettes, living with my mother, alone and been a lone for few weeks now, pondering about what life is really like. Things are coming together none the less and the fruits of my hard labor are paying off, I guess I can say that I have sacrificed things in order to get where I am at now, and built upon certain relationships that are on a give and take basis to which I can be proud of. Things can only go up from here, but yet I am still lonely. I lack the skills to talking to girls, the fear of rejection, or being called weird, or a creep, or something of that nature. Of course it just takes the courage. but then again I think, and its like I am looking for a certain kind of girl, and I want to give to that girl what she needs, but then again I want a girl that will help me. I want a girl that will help through the struggle and provide their resources and assets that they have accumulated like me in order to succeed in life. It seems like the girls that I am familiar with are the one that only want to have “friends” who are doing a bunch of different things, and don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with that. The kind of relationships with people I have built and established in the business world is on a give and take basis. and those relationships can be used in the real world. I am trying to build my skillset in order to better my value to people who specialize in certain areas, such as law, or accounting, or whatever. Energy is a valuable thing and sometimes when I lack the energy things can get out of control. I have noticed that people are very predatory and will look for any chink in the armor and when the guard is down they attack. this is very crucial to know and learn at an early age that you cannot trust anyone accept a very few. Those people who have strong integrity need to be found and kept, for they will never hurt you. Its almost like a parent, they are around to help you and your survival, in the legal world this is similar to a fiduciary, or if you got fucked up parents and relatives, I’m sure you know someone similar like this, if not you got me. Yet I think and I can see my views having a skewed vision and the negative parts need to be released because it seems like this is all I am getting and that’s all I will ever get if I keep thinking about it. But none the less the people around me don’t understand, and if they do they don’t make it known. Id like to get a fresh start but the pain will be a lot. I have to plan, I have to plan and find good places to stand, maybe a place to land when I am up, softer then sand, perhaps I will be grand as a man. I will try, and go out perhaps, to a good place, and try and meet need women, because this is where I think my pain stems from is being lonely. Everything is coming together and the sky is no longer the limit, thanks for reading, if you get this far send me a message.